I took my girlfriend and friend out to dinner.
Friend says, “I love living with someone.”
Turning to my girlfriend, she asks, “how do you feel?”
My girlfriend looks at me and then replies, “it’s…fine.”
What do you feel is an appropriate response?
I sat down with her later and tried to talk about it, but she said she was joking. I just don’t get the joke.
Dude, you’re overthinking it.
Thank you for the reply! I’m not sure that I am
Definitely overthinking. It’s a total non-event.
Without more context (how well does your GF know the friend? How well do you know the friend? How long have you been living together? Have either of you lived with anyone else in the past? What else was said immediately after this exchange? What else has you GF said to you about living together? Whose idea was living together in the first place? Did one of you live in that home alone beforehand? What is your GF’s sense of humour like otherwise? etc etc) it is going to be impossible to be sure about this, but living together is always going to involve compromises of some kind, so if this is relatively new for her, it is very likely that there is a grain of truth if she sounded like she has some reservations.
One thing that is definitely not going to help, though, whether it was a joke or not, is you getting all defensive about it.
She has told you it was a joke. I’d suggest telling her that even as a joke it has left you feeling hurt, and then ask her if there genuinely is anything that she sees as a problem and what she would like from you in order to make it better - and then commit to make those changes where that is realistic. And take the opportunity to so the same the other way around: what changes you would like from her - so that you are both communicating openly, and trying to grow and make the relationship better.
This is the response OP should read.
Sounds like she was just ribbing you. Based on the info you’ve provided, I’d let it go.
Thank you for the reply! Wouldn’t you want your partner to be enthused about living with you though?
I would, but barring any other info, I’d accept her statement that it was just an attempt at humor at face value Unless she seems different suddenly at home, or has an attitude or starts avoiding you or something.
Would you want to marry someone who said that to your face?
You seem oddly fixated on this, I think you need to learn to let some things go, this doesn’t seem serious at all.
If you ask this many questions to her face about a small line like that I would be concerned for her.
Ok, thank you for your help! I don’t want to make mountains out of molehills but I am pretty hurt. I’ll think hard on what you said.
If you’re genuinely hurt, tell that to her. I’m sure she didn’t intend to do so and will probably be more careful when speaking about you. With that said, you’re definitely overthinking this and should promise let it go after that.
If you’re hurt you should tell her. I think we’re all assuming you have the type of relationship where you could joke about this kind of thing. But if that’s not the case, or you’re not comfortable with it, I think you should tell her it bothered you.
She just wants your dick more than you’re giving it to her
Bro, if that’s the worst thing your spouse ever says to you, you’re a blessed man. Being able to get past things is a big part of any relationship. TBH, if you’re truly not able to let it go (again, barring any other information about how she treats you), you might need to consider whether marriage is for you. Living with a partner with that kind of commitment takes a lot of work and a lot of flexibility. You gotta roll with the punches sometimes.
You seem genuine and sincere. I’m sorry that you’re hurting, and. I hope you feel better soon man. Best wishes, for real.
We make jokes all the time - “my marriage is a little sore today,” or suggesting the other get an apartment for their hobby materials.
I would put a lot more weight on her choice to live with you (pretty good indication she likes you quite a bit) than on a quip she made in a single conversation. It’s very hard to make a relationship work if small things like this can destabilize things to the extent that you’re questioning marriage! Try to measure your relationship by zooming out a bit more and considering whether she seems to enjoy your company etc. If you’re very upset save the assessing for a time where you’re calmer and focus on something else for awhile.
That specific instance sounds like a non-event.
There’s two things going on here that you should have a conversation with your girlfriend about.
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This event is really bothering you. You should dig a bit to find the source of this anxiety. Maybe you have general anxiety and need to take steps to manage it. Maybe you have insecurities about your relationship that you need to address with your gf.
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Whatever the status is for #1, relationship jokes hit too close to home for you right now. It’s ok to ask your gf to try to refrain from these kind of jokes while you work on the source of your anxiety. There’s times when I’ve had to ask my SO the same. Sometimes it’s because the joke itself is insensitive or comes from a bad place, but sometimes it’s because I’m not in the right place for that joke myself. The main thing is work on the source but it’s ok to ask for help in the meantime.
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Let it go.
If you’re really hurt by something the appropriate thing to do is to be vulnerable and sincerely express to your partner that their behavior hurt your feelings.
I think its very plausible that your partner didn’t mean anything (unless you have some other reason to think they’re unhappy, it was probably just an attempt at humor), but you’re allowed to be hurt by something even if it wasn’t intended to be hurtful. I’d reccomend reflecting on why it was hurtful to you (it seems like this is a big deal to you and its worth examining why that is under the surface), practicing some coping (go do something nice or practice self care) and have an honest conversation with your partner after you’ve examined whether this is caused by something you’re dealing with or an insecurity, and put some energy into coping with the emotions (understanding yourself and taking care of yourself and your emotions are important to ensure its a helpful conversation. Deal with the emotions first, then talk)
I thought this was going the “Dear Penthouse” route.
