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A Tumblr post by user homunculus-argument that reads:
Was talking with my therapist about how it’s possible to completely lose one’s own identity to people-pleasing - when you grow up being constantly preoccupied with concerns about what other people want, and the ideal outcome is always whatever makes everyone else happy, it’s possible to simply not learn to know yourself at all. If the only thing you’ve ever strived for in life is to make everyone else happy, you just never pause to think what you want, or what you would enjoy, independently from anyone else’s desires.
As an example of this, I recalled that for the longest time, I just didn’t listen to music when I was alone, because the thought never occurred to me. I didn’t have my own taste in music, I was fine with listening to whatever the people I was with wanted to listen to, but whose music would I be listening to if I wasn’t with anyone else? She thought this was a great observation, and gave me a homework assignment to find a song I like, just on my own and for myself, and show it to her next week.
So I guess my therapist is about to learn about the existence of mongolian folk metal.
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That’s how my brain used to work.
Now I have two methods depending on how much I care.
Either I need all available options and have them listed out like a spreadsheet, then I’ll painstakingly determine which ones I like based on critera and using my feelings like a vague sensor.
Or if I don’t have time for that I’ll use an algorithm of some kind, like Spotify’s Smart Shuffle, then I’ll determine what I like based on this new “optimized” list.
Because I can’t just like a random disconnected thing, no no no, I need to make sure it’s something I will definitely like and maybe incorporate into my identity.