I encountered someone saying, “I have no problems with a person’s sexual orientation and choice, I have a problem with anyone being openly sexual or flaunting their sexuality in front of me regardless of their choice of orientation.”
I am a card carrying atheist. I was raised in one of the worst fundamental christian extremist groups and now live in near isolation from abandoning it nearly 10 years ago. All sexuality was bottled in my life and surroundings. This is still my comfort zone. A part of me wants to hold on to a similar ethos as the person I mentioned above, but I feel like I’m not very confident it is the right inner philosophical balance either.
I’m partially disabled now, so this is almost completely hypothetical. I am honestly looking to grow in my understanding of personal space and inner morality as it relates to others. Someone enlighten me please. Where does this go, what does it mean to you?
Bottled sexuality isn’t healthy, mentally or physically. (Asexuality is different.)
Maybe it’s time to start coming out of your comfort zone that way? At least in terms of your thinking if not your doing.
I have a high enough regard for sex and its importance in to mental, physical and relational health to believe it deserves respect. It is powerful. Many of our subcultures don’t give it respect, either seeking to limit and control it overly or going too far in the opposite direction. I’d like that to change, but people are going to people and there’s next to nothing I can do to influence others on that. Only in myself and (back before female middle age made me invisible) who I chose to share my sexuality with.
Consent is another of my guiding principles, where all involved agree on whatever sexual activity is happening. But I don’t consider things like holding hands or being out and about with a partner or family to be sexual activity. They’re about relationships and they’re probably not bringing on sexual arousal in the participants. And most of the things people do in public are more about relationship than sex.
Does anything in this help you?
Over the last days, thinking about this, writing then canceling a half dozen times, then finally posting, and pondering responses, I think the mentally bottled sexuality has been my primary hindrance of emotional growth.
Growing up in an ostracized small religious group meant default friends because there were only 2-3 kids in an age group. These “friends” coexisted more than developed relationships. I don’t know how to develop real relationships beyond those of convenient coexistence. I can readily acknowledge I am emotionally shallow, but unlike intellect where I feel free to pursue curiosity unabated, I don’t have a clue where to go with emotional growth. It seems like addressing unrecognized prejudices may be a good starting point. Maybe looking to people bold enough to stand out on their own even against social pressures, is a good idea.
I think we all turn invisible at 30 too.
They say that identifying the problem is half the battle. You’re doing alright with that, self-aware, self-honest, reflective and articulate. I’m not seeing someone emotionally shallow in all that you’ve expressed here, more like a lack of experience.
Throwing out some ideas for you to mull over and experiment with:
Ask questions and listen to and reflect on different answers, as you’ve done here.
Talk therapy, if you have access to something affordable.
Journaling, which is like talk therapy with yourself and a notebook. Focus on exploring your feelings and areas you’d like to grow in. It won’t be perfect. That’s the point.
Observe others, find roll models (like the bold ones you mention above), but hold your observations lightly. It’s easy to get it wrong. This is where fiction is very useful; any misassumptions are between you and the book and the author is a good guide.
Reading. Reading. Reading. Emotion-centered fiction. Action-centered fiction where the emotions are present but not well articulated. Non-fiction about emotions, including memoirs.
Visual stories too. Look for emotional arcs, how the characters affect each others’ emotions, how your own are affected.
(Wee aside, Chinese and Korean dramas often go deeper into emotions than US, UK and European ones. There are a lot available for free on youtube and elsewhere.)
Seek out music that stirs your emotions.
Journal about your reactions to any of the above that you engage in.
Imagine. Make up your own stories. It can be fan fiction in your head but keep it coming back to how everyone feels, how they express that, how it influences others.
Imagine. What you would like to be, what your near-future self is like in a healthy relationship and friendships.
Bring your natural curiosity. This is a new field to explore and learn about.
Hopefully a few of those will resonate and work for you, or suggest things which will. You can do this :)