I hope this is welcome here, as it’s about autistic burnout. Mild CW for swearing and general negativity.
I finally got my diploma, literally just a couple hours ago.
No I’m not bragging because I’m not fucking proud. It wasn’t a fucking accomplishment. I graduated with a 2.8 by the skin of my teeth. My transcript shows a recent downward trend. It took almost double the time; I did two years in four, and I took out loans to live in poverty away from home, just to limp back home to screw up the last semester.
And I fried my brain in the process. I’m not just afraid of getting a new job, but I would be nervous to even go back to the way things used to be. My parents are like “oh you can go back to pizza delivery” but what they don’t seem to grasp is that I can’t even do that anymore. I’ve been having trouble planning to do projects and activities, even things I want to do. My body feels like it permanently changed for the worse. I literally gained a hundred pounds. Taking care of hygiene feels is too tiring to finish. My ability to remember things is absolutely devastated.
It’s not healthy to be on the brink of disaster for so many years.
So far, I have gotten exactly zero interviews after contacting about thirty employers. (Even the simple task of applying for work feels incomprehensibly complex. I’m good with computers, but it’s just so much typing and reading the job descriptions and stuff.) What good is a degree without a job? Congratulations, I know things, but what good is that for me if I starve to death? What good is it if I can’t be at peace or even comfortable? How am I supposed to pay off my loans? None of my professors liked me, I made no friends at school, joined no clubs, did no extracurriculars other than some research that I can’t explain to a recruiter. I have no experience in the field, not even an internship. I don’t have anything to offer an employer [1].
I have already gotten employers bring up the GPA unprompted to reject me for the position. Most engineering firms aren’t interested in students with a GPA < 3. I’ve applied for all sorts of other jobs, but I’m competing with people who actually studied in that field. I have no projects in a state suitable to present on a resumé, and every recent attempt to start a project has gone almost nowhere.
And frankly, I’m not particularly friendly or sociable. I am ice cold, even when I’m trying to be warm. Even when I’m fully prepared for a social situation, I am still autistic, and people will inevitably find me awkward in a bad way. I’m not open about my political views IRL [2], but it’s very difficult to hide my disdain for capitalism and imperialism from people who think they benefit from them [3].
I would be literally thrilled to do a master’s degree in my field, as I read graduate-level material in my spare time, the rare times I have any energy. However, how could I pay for it? How could I convince an employer to pay for it with my transcript and recent downward trajectory? And if I get accepted, how do I even begin to manage that time? I could barely handle the workload of a bachelor’s degree, and I can barely even handle the workload of looking for a job or even cleaning my body.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to be able to do things like I used to be able to do. I just want to go back to a time when it actually felt good to achieve my goals. If y’all have any similar experiences, advice, or just want to dunk on my situation, I’d really like to hear it.
[1] I’m not seriously shedding a tear over these “poor employers” and how I can’t provide value to them. I don’t give a fuck about them, fractally so. However, the “value I offer to the company” is the lens through which they view my employability, which in turn determines the level of comfort my paycheck yields me or if I get that comfort at all.
[2] I’m not a great rhetorician. If I argue for my views, I will probably make my case look worse. It takes a lot of energy to talk, so my arguments are usually really sloppy when talking in person. For this reason, I’m very careful to look like a “normie.” E.g., you would not peg me for an anarchist if you met me on the street.
[3] I don’t apply for defense contractors, police contractors, or prisons for ethical reasons, mostly ACAB-related. Engineers usually have no conscience of the world outside their field; e.g., a job is a job regardless of how your product gets used. This alone kills so many otherwise excellent job opportunities, and it alienated me from my peers. Turns out that the fash pays well for your integrity.
I want to go into research, like the biomedical research I did at school, but I don’t think I have the grades for that. I became an engineer to do good things with math and science. I’m not giving up on that, but I’m tempering my expectations for sure.
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I feel you! I am at the point where I’ve become ice cold and jaded. That much said, have you thought about doing something in information technology? I know that Linux Sys Admins are getting paid big bucks right now. You might be able to even work from home because a lot of that stuff you can do without being onsite. You’ve got an engineering degree and many firms want somebody with both that background and some Linux/Open source exposure.
I probably have 20 years on you age wise and I am looking at that path right now because I’ve used Linux and open source since the 90s. My degree though is Criminal Justice which might as well be basket weaving. So I’ve a leg down. Although I might be able to teach A+ or Network+ I definitely don’t have the patience to work with people anymore.
I am also autistic and this world just is not made for people like us. Despite being able to run rings around the people I work with in terms of knowledge and experience, I am relegated to the tasks nobody wants to do and I am treated like I am mentally deficient or slow. It’s definitely not you, it’s the world man.
That much said, have you thought about doing something in information technology?
I have. My patience has gone to near zero since starting my degree. I’m not sure if I have the patience to work with users at this point. Still, I’d take an IT job if offered one.
My Linux experience comes from two places:
- Tinkering with Linux in the early 10’s while I was in high school.
- Using Raspberry Pi OS (a derivative of Debian) in several projects.
I only recently started using Debian as my daily driver, basically a bit after I (my Vlemmy account) joined the Fediverse during the initial Reddit blackout. The blackout was the final straw for me to stop tolerating centralized proprietary shitware. IMO it’s better than Windows in every way, but until pretty recently, there wasn’t enough software to do music production on it, which was previously my most important use case. Even now, I still have a dual boot with Windows because there’s simply too much previous work that will only ever work on Windows.
Point being, I’m not actually that experienced at Linux. I did put in some extra time to actually learn Linux fundamentals for my engineering work, but even then my lived experience is almost entirely with Debian and its derivatives.
Despite being able to run rings around the people I work with in terms of knowledge and experience, I am relegated to the tasks nobody wants to do and I am treated like I am mentally deficient or slow.
Yeah, that sucks.
Most employers don’t care what your degree is as long as you have one it checks a box on their list of requirements.
I wish i could give you any helpful advice but im figuring out this “adulthood” stuff too. Good luck in finding a decent job u/[email protected]
Thanks a bunch 😊
I was in a similar situation with my professors at one point: I was applying for a master’s program, and they only wanted PhD students. Luckily, I had three professors willing to speak up for me – one whose class I got an A in. The other two I barely passed (and one of those I technically didn’t, and I had to retake it). Both of those classes were 8am classes, and I slept through almost every class – if I managed to show up.
I figured they both had horrible impressions of me, but I accidentally had lunch with one of them one day, and we ended up talking for quite a bit. That gave me courage to talk to the other one, and she’s the one that recommended I talk to a sleep doctor (I got around to it 3 yrs later, and it turns out I have narcolepsy).
Not every teacher is going to be quite that amazing – I’ve had plenty of the exact opposite – but in my experience, I have a bad habit of projecting my own image of myself onto my perception of how others see me.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and I’m not trying to minimize what you’re going through. I hope this is helpful. You can do this!
Breathe.
You just succeeded in an enormous accomplishment. Only 3.65% of people have an engineering degree.Take some time to relish and savor it without self-judgement. You need and deserve a break from worry. Given your parents’ support, you have some space to recharge yourself and refocus - take them up on it. Your biggest issue right now is that you’re emotionally exhausted from the pressure, and you need to rebuild your strength. Take a vacation if you can.
In terms of your worry about your grades, they won’t even be a consideration after you get your first job. Most employers don’t check your transcripts closely, and even if they do, your attitude, confidence and engagement during an interview will have more effect on your success than your GPA ever will. Don’t look on your grades as a failure - everyone gets exhausted as they near the finish line.
You’ve done good, kid- savor it and take some time for yourself.
Same, man I feel this. AuDHD here - masked so hard all throughout college and barely made it. Spent 4 years getting an associates degree at my community college because despite working my ass off I kept barely failing classes & having to retake them due to what I have since learned were undiagnosed / untreated ADHD (& commorbid) symptoms… all just so the credit would transfer to a “real” school for my bachelor’s. Then went to an online school for an IT degree in software development where I could work at my own pace / jump straight to the finals for most classes - never interacted with another student and completed the BA in 1 year.
Fast forward a few years, burnt out so hard at my job as a software engineer that I had to go on disability leave last summer because the crippling depression & anxiety were literally incapacitating… spent the whole summer and all of my savings on therapy & coaching. And still almost lost my job a couple months after coming back because I had fried my brain trying to work through everything and couldn’t handle a fraction of the workload that I had been able to a year before…
Being ND in a world designed for neurotypical brains fucking sucks :(
Actually I’m AuDHD too.
Then went to an online school for an IT degree…
If I go back to school, it would definitely be an online degree. My school offers an online masters in my field, and they reached out and asked me to apply. (They have not offered me money or teaching positions or any quantitative perks, but at least they reached out to me.) Noise levels were a huge problem. Frankly, I started screwing up because I had to go back to the classroom.
i get failing because you’re in the classroom. I loved online classes and not having to interact with my peers. I was lucky and only my final semester was back in the classroom before I graduated. it took me 8 years to get my chemistry degree because of how small of a class load I could handle. I am also AuDHD and I couldn’t handle doing homework for many classes at once, and I had to take a few semesters off in that time.
I don’t really have any advice on a job, sorry. I’m still trying to figure that out myself. but I wish you the best of luck!
Lose the weight to help you feel better? Also helps with brain function sucre you complained about memory
Working on it, but last time I lost that kind of weight it took a couple years. So I’ll need to at least start my career while fat.
First of all – congrats! You made it through. That’s not an easy task, and you made it.
Second, don’t toss out grad school just yet. Poor grades will have an impact, but it’s not an insurmountable obstacle. One good option would be to try to find a job as a lab tech. Learn the ropes, improve your skills on the job, then start applying. Along the way, talk to the profesors and tell them what you want to do – they may have advice and be able to help. Most achools also have career counselor who can help, too.
A big also: Don’t pay for grad school in STEM (maybe just STE?). Most schools waive tuition and pay you a stipend as an RA or TA.
Third: Burn out is real. Push through what you can, but take time for yourself. This may mean taking an afternoon off or a week off – you know what you need and what you can afford.
Context: I’m a director in a biotech with a PhD. Looking into autism for my kids and realizing I am almost certainly on the spectrum myself.
Most achools also have career counselor who can help, too.
We computerized our career services. I was told to go on the website when I showed up in person. They do run some workshops, but they can/will not link students with jobs. I’ve been applying primarily through this website.
A big also: Don’t pay for grad school in STEM (maybe just STE?). Most schools waive tuition and pay you a stipend as an RA or TA.
My school will not take me as an RA or TA. According to the website, you need to be a PhD student, and you need to have a cumulative GPA > 3.5 initially, then maintain it above 3.0. I match the requirements to be a grader, because there are none, but I’d have to go through my academic department. Literally no professor that remembers me will have anything positive to say. I was not good at remembering to do homework, and I basically passed due to test scores. The last professor I had was the head of the department, and I also took a course with the head of the engineering college a couple years ago, both of which went poorly.
So I’m not sure how to continue with my education without paying for it or getting a company to pay for it for me.
One good option would be to try to find a job as a lab tech.
I’ll look into it. Thank you for replying.
This is decidedly not advice on how and what job to get (i’m unable myself) …
If you are burned out you need to rest your brain! Seriously, take care of your mental health. Best would peobably be to change environment, into a quiet (natural) environment where it’s required that you physically exercise (walk). Don’t know if you have such a possibility, it’s just what i learned from my burn-out situations, that i needed to move, and especially to move my thoughts away from whatever clogged my brain, and forcing myself to physically move also helped (i’m in a mountaneous environment, though).
You mentioned music making. Could that perhaps help sanitize? Do you play an instrument, or perhaps want to build one (thinking of rather simple things now, like i started to build drums)? Were you ever interested in crafting? Anyway, get plenty of sleep and water.Then, i’m having the idea that you could write up a positive self-assessment. So, not “in what ways do i fail to assimilate” but rather “What sets me apart from most other people which is actually valueable?” – It may be more difficult at a young age, so take your time (think of it as an ongoing process in which you note any idea you have, perhaps over weeks – the thing could develop into a journal after all).
Think of it like this: you have this certain ethical conscience, and that shall actually guide you to your duty you were naturally born to do. I do believe that ND people are here for a purpose in this time and age. … So, imagine there is a company of sorts, or a cooperative, which seeks not just employees but participants. Because that company is set to make this world a better place, and to prepare a better environment for future generations to thrive in. They are pioneers, and so are they pioneering in their way of selecting employees: they will ask you what special value you could bring in, and in which ways you will do stuff differently from most other people, which would help them reach their goal of doing things better. They want to know how you do things and how your mind and conscience works, not what scooling you have endured. They do not ask for your competitiveness, else they could ask anyone else.
As an example, i learned that i am not slow at all, once i got a real friend who could tell me (damned be those class"mates" who bullied me with that shit). – It’s rather that my mind can not as quickly arrive at one single answer because it processes many more options and outcomes than what NT minds would do (well, many of them anyway ;-). That enables me to get a picture of processes that appear complex to others – variables, efficiency, sustainability, future consequences of decisions, and “what if everyone did it like this?” I tend to be hyperactive inside. … I’m sensitive to harmony and dissonance/inbalance, and i see similarities in patterns in action everywhere.
That’s my idea. Don’t know if this could be helpful. Maybe you’ll find that organization to work for which asks for exactly such things in job applications (or they do not ask for applications as usual at all but you rather just pay them a visit). But at the moment, it seems you should take a break.
I’m not sure how helpful this will be. But the closest person to me also has Austin. It also took them longer than the standard time to finish a bachelor’s degree in a science major. They even had to take a semester off due to similar issues. They ended up resorting to shop lifting, because they couldn’t handle having, going to school at the same time and family restrictions. What helped them in the end was a change in the people they were hanging around and eventually moving. Years later they now own their own business working 1 on 1 with people in an environment they control. Out of the people on my life they make some of the most money. The best advice I see in this thread is to take a break, focus on you and figure out what works best. The industry this person got a major in usually follows a specific path, but they ended up carving out their own little space of what they wanted to do.
I struggled SO HARD after I got my degree. I was walking dogs, taking any odd job I could find just to pay my bills. (This was way before uber and doordash and such, it was all word of mouth.) I was extremely depressed.
I friend asked if I wanted to work for a labor booker because they needed extra people and I have been in the feild ever since. Don’t be afraid to try unrelated things. You might like it!
Also my degree was still a foot in the door, even if it was completely unrelated. Most employers see a degree as a sign you were dedicated enough to follow through with something, and that you have drive. Your grades don’t matter, and sometimes your field doesn’t even matter. Just the diploma.
As a middle aged person with an adult diagnosis and a good salary… I just did whatever I thought was interesting and challenging. I’m now a senior developer. I suck at money etc, but I have a patient partner and make a decent salary. Stuff that’s easy for other people can be hard and frustrating, but I’m weirdly good at hard things.
