I know this is much easier to say than it is to internalize and believe, but it doesn’t matter what any singular person thinks about you. There are people out there who do their best to understand and accept you as you are, without using what they learned to make half-assed guesses about the rest of who you are. They may be few and far between (or maybe not), but I know they exist. As soon as you start looking for those who accept you instead of trying to be accepted by those who don’t, you’ll be on a better course. And don’t be afraid of anti-depressants. Depression makes yiu want to give up on fighting, makes you think nothing can help. It’s a lie by which the illness sustains itself. By listening to that lie, you may protect yourself from harm, but you’ll also “protect” yourself from finding happiness.
And remember, parents, old friends, etc. who don’t necessarily get you too well aren’t necessarily trying to be cruel, but you may never have quite the relationship with them you wish you could. They have their own problems from their own anxieties and abuse growing up, their own mental health issues, etc., and that can limit the depth of relationships they can achieve with you. Try to be patient, but don’t drive yourself insane trying to achieve what isn’t possible.
And if you feel like you don’t belong, maybe you don’t, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe you’re neurodivergent or simply have morals or interests that are incompatible with theirs. But the fact remains, there is someone who will accept you and with whom you can belong in peace, if you can open yourself up to let them. You haven’t lost until the last time you give up on finding them. Giving up on something you still deeply care about, without eventually picking it back up again, is the only failure. It’s okay to quit, but don’t be afraid to come back to it if you care about it.
~ advice I try to accept myself, would give my younger self, and may hopefully be at least a little helpful for you
Yeah, that’s definitely some fucked up shit. You didn’t deserve to be tormented like that. There are some really fucked up people, and you’ve met far more than your share of them. If you don’t have the strength to get up, I get it. It’s understandable. And they did fail you. your parents, your teachers, your police force, and every authority figure who could have intervened but didn’t–all of them bear the blame for what you went through.
I don’t have the time to respond in detail, but I can say a few more things:
I can attest that I won’t deliberately hurt anyone. I’ve lashed out at people verbally when I was in a bad place, but that’s the extent of it. Hell, I was bit by a random dog a few months ago and my first thought was “what happened to this dog that made it afraid of me?”. I know there are tolerant people because I talk to a few regularly, and because I do my best to be one myself.
I don’t know what you’ve tried, but there’s a therapy called EMDR that is designed to help people with PTSD. Basically, you sit down with a trained professional and go through the memories that are stuck in your head while following some specific exercises that help you avoid getting sucked too far into them. I’ve heard it’s really helpful for some people.
I get the feeling you recognize that I’m not the same person who hurt you, but if not, please try to remember that each person is unique. Some of them are assholes, some of them are neutral or even helpful. And if you approach anyone with aggression, you’ll usually find they respond with either fear or aggression. If you go to a bar or a crowded public park and just say “hello” in a somewhat positive tone to a few people, I bet you’ll get a range of responses. Some of them might be suspicious or want to be left alone, and some will likely be open to a conversation.
I know this is much easier to say than it is to internalize and believe, but it doesn’t matter what any singular person thinks about you. There are people out there who do their best to understand and accept you as you are, without using what they learned to make half-assed guesses about the rest of who you are. They may be few and far between (or maybe not), but I know they exist. As soon as you start looking for those who accept you instead of trying to be accepted by those who don’t, you’ll be on a better course. And don’t be afraid of anti-depressants. Depression makes yiu want to give up on fighting, makes you think nothing can help. It’s a lie by which the illness sustains itself. By listening to that lie, you may protect yourself from harm, but you’ll also “protect” yourself from finding happiness.
And remember, parents, old friends, etc. who don’t necessarily get you too well aren’t necessarily trying to be cruel, but you may never have quite the relationship with them you wish you could. They have their own problems from their own anxieties and abuse growing up, their own mental health issues, etc., and that can limit the depth of relationships they can achieve with you. Try to be patient, but don’t drive yourself insane trying to achieve what isn’t possible.
And if you feel like you don’t belong, maybe you don’t, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe you’re neurodivergent or simply have morals or interests that are incompatible with theirs. But the fact remains, there is someone who will accept you and with whom you can belong in peace, if you can open yourself up to let them. You haven’t lost until the last time you give up on finding them. Giving up on something you still deeply care about, without eventually picking it back up again, is the only failure. It’s okay to quit, but don’t be afraid to come back to it if you care about it.
~ advice I try to accept myself, would give my younger self, and may hopefully be at least a little helpful for you
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Yeah, that’s definitely some fucked up shit. You didn’t deserve to be tormented like that. There are some really fucked up people, and you’ve met far more than your share of them. If you don’t have the strength to get up, I get it. It’s understandable. And they did fail you. your parents, your teachers, your police force, and every authority figure who could have intervened but didn’t–all of them bear the blame for what you went through.
I don’t have the time to respond in detail, but I can say a few more things:
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