Edit: A great point made in the comments I want to highlight; while it’s perfectly normal to grieve, it’s also perfectly normal to not grieve. If my points relate to you, look into it a bit more and consider it, but if not - and you don’t connect with it - don’t be forcing yourself into a headspace, we’re all different!

I think this is a very important and not very discussed topic. Dr. Barkley put out a video about this on YouTube a little while back, and I’d already started considering this well before and I was excited to see it backed by his experiences. I think it’s quite important because it can help to make sense of different reactions and feelings and try to gain some clarity.

In short, upon getting diagnosed for ADHD, you very well might (I can’t say likelihood) experience some “stages” of grief (order not a given) - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These phases can come and go, and come back again, and Dr. Barkley has a going recommendation to practitioners to discuss this as part of their diagnosis, but they often do not.

I’ll just give my own experience here and I highly recommend checking in with yourself / your supports to consider if you might be in this place and needing clarity, and I hope it’s helpful.

  • Diagnosis: I was original diagnosed with ADHD as a differential diagnosis, but received no treatment. Things continued getting worse, and eventually a new psychiatrist said it was clearly ADHD and started medication.

  • Fake Acceptance 1: I was willing to say I had ADHD, and discuss my symptoms and share experiences. It was all surface level.

  • Denial 1: The diagnosis was short; I’d had the differential, but I was surprised how quickly he prescribed me medication. I took the medication, and things were much better (early meds euphoria) but even still, I thought I was probably placeboing. I straight up thought my psychiatrist had prescribed a placebo to placate me just complaining about everyday things.

  • Anger 1: No, these meds are helping - and they could have helped me for so long. Tens of thousands of dollars in tuition fees from missed deadlines, rent overpayments, not making reimbursement deadlines, late penalties - decades of deep depression, burnout - when it was so obvious. Why wasn’t I checked out? Why did my first psychiatrist give up on me? Why didn’t my parents ever notice the many signs?

  • Denial 2, Bargaining 1: Maybe eventually I can just develop the systems I need to get by, I won’t need meds, or maybe I will, but I’ll be able to be at 100% without ever exhausting myself or anything. Maybe this is just temporary, and I’ll develop the things I need to get through it. Maybe there just wasn’t childhood signs.

  • Depression 1: But there were. There were signs, the meds help a lot but they don’t solve everything. It sucks. It’s unfair, I’m tired, I need a break.

  • Acceptance 1: After a bit, I started to really feel like I had a disorder, and it was here to stay. Not only that, but the way that I think is fundamentally different from the way most people think, and I will not relate to most people on a deep level because it’s been so core to me. I appreciated those I could connect to deeply, and recognized that things are just going to be harder. Society doesn’t need to change - I mean, it could - but it’s my responsibility, my burden, but that’s okay.

  • Denial 3, Bargaining 2: … but, if I just set up my calendar, and set up alarms, and commit to things, we’re good! No issues, I’m sure.

  • CarbonatedPastaSauce@lemmy.worldEnglish
    3·
    16 days ago

    Great post but I just wanted to say it’s also ok not to feel grief. I was diagnosed very late in life (late 40s) and I’ve felt nothing but relief since getting on meds and finally having a reason for so many things I struggled with in my life other than “something is fucking wrong with me”.

    Point being, let yourself feel what you feel!

  • TangledRockets@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    16 days ago

    When it hit me, it hit me like a truck. I was diagnosed around 35, and after bouncing through the relief, euphoria, and anger (pretty much as OP described them) I was hit with a crushing sense of loss - I literally felt as though someone close to me had died - but who? I was fortunately in therapy as part of my diagnosis, and it took the doctor to say “Who died? You did.” for me to understand. The person I lived my entire life as had ceased to exist - that was a very unhappy person, constantly struggling, constantly suffering for reasons they couldn’t see. But it was me, and now they were gone. It was a brutal experience, but it gave me the freedom to start redefining my life.

  • atrielienz@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    13 days ago

    I was first diagnosed as a kid (But with ADD), and then again as an adult with ADHD (how I found out that they are now considered the same thing).

    For me, it’s never been a case of am I or aren’t I neurodivergent, and I’ve never been medicated. I’m not sure I need medication, or that medication would help. Part of that is because the coping mechanisms I’ve developed (while not full proof) allow me to function for the most part without crashing into the rails too hard. The main problem is that when I do crash it’s not depression I experience but exhaustion.

    It takes me a long time to recharge, and I’m not sure how meds could help with that. No doctor has ever convinced me that I need them.

  • Schlemmy@lemmy.mlEnglish
    1·
    16 days ago

    I feel you, though it is not as bas for me as you described. I was lucky. My wife sat through the whole journey. She’s rock solid.

    Got diagnosed at age 26. (I’m 42 now) Straight on the meds. Side effects were intense but the awareness was mind boggling. I experienced focus for the first time in my life. Side effect was I was experiencing focus the whole time. Worrying was something new. A potential black hole caused by CERN in Switzerland was my main focus. I was on my way to a sabotage the whole plant. Big out bag ready and all. Fortunately my psych asked for side effects and I quit the meds for a few weeks. All settled down bit I was scared.

    Then the acceptance came. I reorientated. Pushed myself through evening classes and got my master in public management. Because of the awareness I made it.

    Got into a management position three years ago and thing fell apart. 6 Months ago I was on the verge of burnout and went to the doctors’. Told my story and now I’m on meds again. A low dose but it’s awesome. It’s the hand on the back that supports me and not the strong arm that pulls me like before.

    I’m angry. At least, I used to be. Because the signs were clear and none of my teachers saw it. They are on the front line, they should’ve noticed. They told me I was lazy, even stupid and I believed it. I wasted a lot of years in shitty jobs but now I’m on track and functional. It took way to many years to realize how it affected my family life. As I told before. My wife is a rock.

    The only thing that I wat to warn about is that the meds take away you good traits too. Make sure the dose is right. I’m creative and I don’t have a box to think outside of. I had interests… Way too many so I know a lot about a lot. That is my strength. The meds mess with that part of me but when well balanced ADHD is my super power.

    Take care. Love you all.