Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
I live in the United States. I do not live in Nevada.
Maybe try casual dating and hookup apps. I hear Tinder is good for finding hookups, and it’s legal even outside of Nevada. Perhaps some ladies nearby are also touch-starved. I second the suggestions that you ensure good body hygiene, dress somewhat well, and have good posture when sitting and standing.
You can also see if your friends are open to (non-sexual) cuddling; maybe they are also touch-starved. Girls (especially in childhood) are more open to hugging and cuddling, and maybe you can get a little bit of that good cuddles by leaning up against a guy friend while watching football or something. Not sure how to help regarding accusations of “that’s gay” though. One of my friends is pretty gay so that doesn’t bother us (we don’t have a sexual relationship, but we do make lots of jokes).
Best of luck.
As I related in a previous comment, I’ve tried multiple online dating platforms, including:
I also attempted to use a matchmaking service, It’s Just Lunch.
Honestly from everyone I have talked to these dating platforms make the dating scene worse across the board. It basically makes every individual meet up a lower investment and the amount of choice means more individual scrutiny because there is more one to one comparisons, FOMO that the best option is just a little further on and women eventually get driven to giving up on romance entirely because of pickup artists and so many bad actors.
Quiting and being done with all of those, deleting them is the first step. You want to eliminate the things that keep bringing your mind back to the idea you are missing out.
Then I recommend doing things to extend that platonic friend group. Even amazing guys get stuck if they allow their irl social lives to stagnate. Get out there and take some classes in something that could interest you. Volunteer for events, say yes to weird things. Aim to have more plutonic friends first. When people can sense you are desperate for romance they can pick up on that way too early and sometimes they will have to weigh the possibility of having to shoot you down before they even get to know anything about you or like you. That fear of having to hurt someone’s feelings keeps a lot of people pretty standoffish about any kind of relationship, platonic included.
Releasing your expectations is not a bad thing. You are not giving up hope. New social settings and groups give you a chance to present yourself differently. Sometimes if you are stuck with the same group you get pigeonholed into being the same person you were back when you made those friendships and it could be making you low key miserable. Use this as a chance to experiment and build new, more informed and experienced versions of yourself from scratch.
Missed that, sorry. My point about cuddling with friends still stands. It works quite well for me.