Late to reply, but I’m okayish now. Honestly looking back, not a thing about the submission was truly difficult. I was anxious about going to a government office to verify myself. Yes, it leads (rather led) to activities that I want to do, but too anxious about doing them. OMG, yes, I would be relieved and happy if the application is accepted and I actually competently finish the activities. (Happy isn’t the word, just a sense of content, like I’ve done it and it’s over and done with). Fear of failing, that’s it. Honestly, I can’t say everything has been smooth sailing in my life, but when I put my mind onto something, I actually set standards for myself, that if I don’t meet, it feels disastrous. I don’t want to get too much into my childhood, but success was sometimes the only way to avoid regular beatings or even a little kindness from my parent. So, I think I’m not familiar on how to cope with failure and fear of it, especially now because I lost confidence in myself (I really took things head on, these past years I’m truly scared to do lots of things that should be easy for me).

Yes, doing something. It really does help. Although it’s so easy to slip back into the nothingness. Like I woke up today, and wasn’t feeling it, and I decided to do one thing, open/draw the curtains open, then return to bed. As soon as the light was in my room, I actually felt a bit better, which led me to make my bed, brush my teeth, take a shower. After the shower I was like, I feel comfortable enough to go on a walk, and I did. I haven’t yet done some assignments I planned on doing, but the walk actually did help.

I now aim to take my doses faithfully. Put an alarm to remind me. Hopefully this all sticks, but currently I feel like all this excited energy I have been experiencing this week will fade away. You know when you can see/feel a depressive mood coming? Or when you notice you are oddly excitable, spent a majority of today dancing and listening to music in my room (actually just one song, it’s on loop)? Despite this energy, I can feel downtime coming from a mile. I have been maintaining contact with family so that I don’t slip, but I find myself needing to isolate again. Actually as I type this, I’m feeling a bit sad/down. I’ll stop typing and take a shower. It sometimes calms me down. Forgot to say, another thing that I use to distract from dealing with all this, is focusing on my sibling’s issues, like helping them resolve difficulties, comforting and consoling them. But I rarely have energy or drive to do it for myself.

Lastly, thank you for your kind words and insight. Can I ask how are you? (Like the true how are you, not the “How are you? Fine”)

Hey stranger. I feel glad I have someone who understands this feeling/state. How are you feeling now? At this very moment.

Secondly, I’m so glad on how well you’ve articulated this feeling, this state. I am, sometimes, too overwhelmed to even find words to describe it. The avoidance, the consistent intentional distractions (with still this very thing at the back of your mind), I did eventually submit what I needed to, and I could breathe and wondered why such a thing was weighing me down. Yesterday was terrible for me, today I woke up in better spirits.

Honestly, I’m grateful for this platform and space and for people to willingly and voluntarily share what they can to give you/me a push (no matter how slight or grand). And I’m glad the response gave you some insights.

Update me (if you’d like) on how today’s going for you, yeah?

Oh, I forgot to add: take a minute at a time. People tell me to take a day at a time, but I find it easier to be more graceful with myself if I take it a minute at a time. And also, just trying to go out for walking or even staying in the sun (I’m not sociable, can describe myself as an introvert and someone in the comments made me aware about cabin fever).

Note: I hate the sun, and I don’t like daytime but forcing/coercing myself to engage in either has changed my mood slightly. I hope this can help or any other thing. I also picked colouring books, you know the ones for kids, and I find colouring a sort of relaxing. Just mindless scratches on a paper.

Lastly, this could be TMI: I am not a healthy eater, and been suffering from constipation for as long as I can remember. Oats has been magic for me, and honestly, I credit it for my current mood.

I like it. No FREAKING ADS disguised as posts/comments. I was late to know third party apps exists for lots of things, so being aware of lemmy has changed my browsing habits on other platforms i.e looking for alternatives that work or have a model that I don’t feel too conflicted about (which honestly makes me happier). It’s the right amount of silent and busy for me. I’m just hoping for elephant-obsessed people (among other niche communities) to exist/gain a medium level of traction (frankly, even a basic amount would be okay). I also like that its name sounds like LET ME/ LEMME (lemme do what anything I want as long as it doesn’t harm the next person).

Thanks for checking in. Really. Like I didn’t expect it, and honestly you’ve made my morning.

So the application did go through, I should resume studies next week, but I have to deal with the nitty gritties of bureaucracy, which makes me anxious. I slept for 4 hours last night which is an achievement. Woke up on time, but not doing anything at the time I intended. I don’t feel too motivated, but I’m also not feeling care-free as I normally do. I’ve had breakfast, something I typically don’t like, and I feel okay. So now, shower time, then head to administration. I’m hoping this lasts, because: you know how at the beginning of things, like when you have a clean slate, you have this unbelievable drive, which lasts only a minute until you fall back into old habits. That’s what I fear now.

I woke up feeling grateful today to whatever higher being orchestrates this, I remember saying Thank You. And now, I’m even more grateful that random strangers online remember/check up on me. I really do feel somewhat humanised. Thank you.

And how are you mojo? What is on for you today? What is off for you today?

I did something. I did leave the house, went for a walk. While it seemed to do the trick today, I worry that I don’t apply or have mechanisms to cope with. I don’t want that every time when I’m feeling like this, I have to vent about it to kind sober strangers online. What if I don’t have wifi, or I smash my phone in a fit? Then what next for me?

Reporting back: now it’s bath time, I think it’ll calm me.

I’ve actually been thinking of having a discussion about this with the psych. I’m hesitant though because the adapting phase, the first weeks of adjusting to a medication, are just the worst. I hate the lucid dreams, vivid dreams, appetite changes and general having no-one to commiserate with. Thank you for your words truly.

Had to check what cabin fever is (I only know of the film, but can’t quite remember the plot). I see what you mean. The thing I feel frustrated about it, and with myself is that it’s a self-feeding cycle. I lock myself up because I can’t deal, I don’t want to meet or see people because I get too anxious, so I stay indoors for weeks. Yet this isolation, no matter how much I enjoy it, and can acknowledge it’s a really dangerous regimen, I still stick to it. I see how it slows down everything I have to do, my hygiene is the worst it’s been. Everything just feels sucky. And the worst thing is how comfortable this isolation feels. It’s a habit now for me. And I know I should break it, but honestly, I don’t want to.

I really was overstressed. Truly. The application was for re-enrolment. It does involve digital app, but I had to present myself physically to a certain office (which I always dread because it means summoning energy I don’t have). And anxious, yes. It’s been like my normal state for a while now. Now, I’m okayish. I know it’s temporary, but I submitted the application so at least I can gasp (usual me would breathe)

Oh yeah. My goldfish brain forgot I could have asked chatgpt, even with it’s random inconsistencies. Thanks for the reminder (I’m not being sarcastic btw)

Bookmarked this. Thank you.

Wow. This. Exactly this. The code looks straightforward. I was too worried for nothing. I thought I had to have like proper proper computer/data science knowledge for it, but the here has given me something to do while I struggle with another sleepless night. Thanks

Righty. Thanks

Thank you for the link. It’s helped me grasp some things I found vague in my understanding.

Yup. I’m quite mild-mannered (or so I believe).

Bank signed up my grandmother for a service she couldn’t possibly use. Called customer care, they gave her useless response. Drove with her, customer care agent was busy chatting with a friend, and there was a long queue of people with complaints. Walked (at least I did, grandma was in crutches) to the branch manager’s office. I didn’t ask to see the manager, I asked where his/her office was. Walked in (without the courtesy of knocking), aired grandma’s frustrations (albeit mixed in with mine). Matter was resolved in less than 5 minutes. Didn’t care to know how the customer service agent was reprimanded.

It’s one of the few times I remember being out of character, apart from the avocado incident (irrelevant here).