Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.

31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.

I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.

I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).

I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.

I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?

  • Bronzie@sh.itjust.works
    31·
    1 year ago

    It’s hard to say what you could do to improve your situation without knowing you, and your diagnoses cannot be «fixed».
    Being hit with the ugly stick however is something you can work on.
    Do you excersize and stay in decent shape?
    Do you groom regularly?
    Do you pay attention to what you wear (no need to blow loads on fashion, but in general)?

    All of those combined could bring you up a point or two, but your main issue is probably your lack of confidence, which is very understandable.

    Confidence in who you are and you being awesome is, in my experience, everything.
    You can fake it, but to truly build it you need to come to terms with the facts and love yourself.

    • man_in_space@kbin.socialOP
      3·
      1 year ago

      Do you excersize and stay in decent shape?

      I’ve lost about 80 pounds over the last couple of years.

      Do you groom regularly?

      I try. I was told that facial hair looked good, but that was a disaster.

      Do you pay attention to what you wear (no need to blow loads on fashion, but in general)?

      Yes.

      Being hit with the ugly stick however is something you can work on.

      Not when you’ve got physical deformities.

      • Bronzie@sh.itjust.works
        3·
        1 year ago

        So you answered my questions, but at the same time you didn’t.

        Congrats on losing 80 lbs! That’s a massive job well done. Are you still overweight?
        If so, keep at it! Every pound lost makes you look better, feel better, live longer and healthier.

        Facial hair: Who said it looked good? Who said it looked bad?
        Did several people compliment it, but one or two tore your self image back down?
        If it really was bad: Try something new.

        I don’t know and won’t ask any personal questions, but are these deformities impossible to hide or improve upon?
        I do not mean surgery, but facial hair, hair, clothing or even make-up?

        It’s always your choice if you wish to give up or not, but as long as you seem to have a semblance of hope I’m gonna try to be a positive in your life.

        • man_in_space@kbin.socialOP
          2·
          1 year ago

          So you answered my questions, but at the same time you didn’t.

          I do that.

          Congrats on losing 80 lbs! That’s a massive job well done.

          Thank you.

          Are you still overweight?

          Not anymore.

          Facial hair: Who said it looked good? Who said it looked bad? Did several people compliment it, but one or two tore your self image back down? If it really was bad: Try something new.

          Some close female friends (in whom I have no romantic interest) said it looked good in theory. I grew it out for about a month. It was a poor choice. I don’t grow facial hair. What some people call a five o’clock shadow takes me a week. I ended up looking like an incel.

          but are these deformities impossible to hide or improve upon?

          Yes. One is a combination of an injury I received in college and an autoimmune disorder. Another is…I guess just the way my bone structure developed.

          It’s always your choice if you wish to give up or not, but as long as you seem to have a semblance of hope I’m gonna try to be a positive in your life.

          I resign.

          • Bronzie@sh.itjust.works
            3·
            1 year ago

            Ok.

            I don’t know if you wallow in self pity or if you’ve actually tried it all, but I’m gonna let you make the calls for your life.

            I wish you the best regardless and know that it’s never to late to change your mind, friend.