Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
There’s a canned answer you often see in response to this type of question: work on yourself, first.
The most annoying thing about that answer is that it’s true. Even if it is a cliche.
You have given up on finding a partner, but have not really let go of the idea and still grieve over it. And you’re right, being touch starved is an actual thing and it’s a very hard, very depressing thing. All of this is 100% understandable. It’s perfectly normal and natural. It’s a very strong instinct, need, and desire to crave companionship.
But as you have said yourself (and this shows a lot of maturity and wisdom on your part): you can’t control other people. They either like you or they don’t. They’re either available or they’re not.
So try to focus on another truth: many people live happy, rich, rewarding lives on their own. It just takes work and practice, like anything else. They typically find something that drives them, engages them, and gives them purpose. Whether it’s religion or charity work or volunteering or climbing a mountain or composing a symphony…well that part is entirely up to you. But try to find it, whatever it is, and get to work on it.
And some of those people, on rare occasions, get lucky and find someone to be a companion along the way. Usually when they were not looking for anyone, or had even given up on it. You can’t expect this to happen for you. It’s rare. But it can and does happen. Your chances are better when you are working on that specific THING that drives you and not chasing after ephemeral general “happiness”.
And you may never find a romantic partner. But you can still make friends with people. And friendships are wonderful. Friendship may feel like a “snack” when you really need a “meal” but a snack is far, far, better than starvation. And friendships often form when you are pursuing that thing, whatever that thing is for you.
And here’s a final truth that doesn’t help you directly, but should give you some perspective: there are many, many, many people in romantic relationships and they are absolutely miserable. Getting into a romantic relationship is one thing, staying in one is another, and getting out of one is yet another. Having a romantic partner is great…but it also brings even more challenges and problems along for the ride. It doesn’t really “solve” the working on you problem.
I love this response.
I think a lot of people view the search for a soul mate as a quest to find the person that’s going to love them as deeply and unequivocally as they love themselves but neither of those goals are really… the thing you should be striving for.
I’m married and I don’t think my husband loves me as much as he loves himself (which might sound sad) but I don’t want him to love me the same way he loves himself. I want him to love me as his partner, as someone who is working alongside him to achieve what we mutually hope to achieve and the things we individually want to achieve.
There’s a reason that bonds develop during shared experiences. Love comes from doing something with someone, a partnership comes about when you want to do a lot of things with someone. You can have so many meaningful connections working with other humans on things that mean something to you.
I hope OP can find a path forward where they pursue the things that matter to them and can find connection (romantic or otherwise) in the shared experience that comes from their pursuit.
That’s where I’m trying to get to. That’s why I’ve asked this question. It is clouding me out from that.
I mean, you really are in a tough spot because all these emotions around this desire for connection: the want, pain, grief, anger, sadness are all the ways in which your body/ brain are screaming “I need this” so I can see how the obvious solution would be “I just have to stop wanting it” so that I can make the screaming stop
but I think what the original comment (and potentially some other comments) are saying is that you maybe have to turn toward the, listen to it, honor it (in a practical sense maybe get therapy or find other social services to try and meet the need in the interim) and then tell yourself that you are going to get your body/ brain what it needs, you’re just going to do in a different way. You’re going to work on things that matter to you, and move forward down that path, instead of the one you are currently on.
It’s not easy to listen though. Listening means facing a lot of the places that fear comes from. It’s all just very hard and I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for.
This is exactly it. I need to figure out how to let go. It is not within me to simply let a thing die.
I think you’re pulling the wrong thing out, even though your statement might be true. Yes, it could be useful to let go. But fucking work on loving yourself.
Someone once told me that I could never be with her unless I loved myself. At that point, I’d gone from hating myself to liking myself, but couldn’t see me ever loving myself. I continued the work (therapy, a desire to end every day a slightly better person than the day before (you know, growing)).
I’ve now loved myself for roughly four years. This is a lifetime achievement for me and it makes all the difference. When you’re excited by life people pick up on it (said the cynic who is terrified of the future because holy shit. These ideas can, surprisingly, co-exist). There are many ways to get there, but getting there is the point. Invest in yourself.