Trans guy here dealing with people constantly talking about me among other shit they’ve done because I’ve always lived in conservative areas. Even other queer people were awful especially gay and trans people.
I’m gonna move but I still won’t be able to afford top surgery yet. I’ve been back on T for a while so I pass for the most part. I wanna go stealth after the move but how can I go stealth in a big city without isolating myself as a straight guy?
Stealth isn’t all or nothing. You can be out to the people in your life that matter, you can be out to a local queer community etc, without being out to everyone. You’ll need to take it slowly and work out who you trust, and who knows enough to know the importance of not outing you, but it can be done.
This is great advice! I also think there’s a huge difference in being stealth by choice and stealth by necessity. Making an active choice in this can be great for your wellbeing - the difference between feeling empowered to do this and being required to do it.
I’d recommend being open to letting trusted people in - one of the biggest struggles of going stealth is the isolation and worry about being outed, and having even one person you can share about this with will make the world of difference.
For people going stealth, these are the three things that I see work:
- Never stop improving the voice
- Dress casually
- Get a social hobby that isn’t related to LGBTQ+
You don’t necessarily have to go to a big city. Washington has several mid-size cities such as Bellingham or Olympia that are super trans friendly and the whole state has good recognition of and access to gender-affirming surgeries.
To make footsteps silent, you have to first step on the outer edge of your foot, then your toes, then the inner edge and now you’ve taken a silent step!
Ah, but seriously best of luck in the move. A new city can be quite cathartic, not to mention a new state if you’re going that far. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞
What does stealth mean for you? What aspects have you worrying that it’ll result in isolation?
I’ll be honest, I have a bias here – I do find being in situations where I feel I can’t talk about being trans isolating and find/found stealth (or even the state of “waiting to make up my mind”) fairly unhealthy. But my definition of stealth is something like “willing to take steps to ensure others do not find out one is trans even in scenarios where safety isn’t a consideration”. I probably fit some people’s working definitions of stealth, though – I generally tell people I’m trans in two scenarios: it’s immediately relevant or I feel like our relationship has become close enough that I would like them to know. That has been how things have evolved naturally as I’ve gotten further from the “active” phase of transition and moved around the country. I actively talk about being trans at work (okay, that’s maybe no one’s definition of stealth), but only in diversity-focused contexts, so do my immediate coworkers know I’m trans? Nope, they don’t show up to that stuff. I personally value having trans friends/community, but if that’s not important to you, you’re not obligated to seek out trans people in a new place (and, honestly, a lot of trans spaces are very transition-focused by necessity, so finding community can be hard if you’re in a more steady-state transition-wise).
On the top surgery front, I have a friend group who figured out I was trans after, oh, a decade of knowing me. My entire medical transition, including top surgery, took place in front of their faces. I met them at a time where it was a tossup how people read my gender and it was more important to me then that they read me as a guy than that I be out, and then a decade went by and I’d became close to them (i.e. at least some entered the category of “people I actively want to know I’m trans”) and it was like “So, uh, funny story…”
tl;dr Moving as an adult is kind of isolating by definition and you have to rebuild community. If you don’t seek out trans community as part of that rebuilding, odds are you’ll end up as stealth as you want.
Cities tend to be a lot safer for queer people. Going stealth provides a lot of safety. If you want to go stealth but still keep your connection to the queer community, you end up taking on a double identity. Identity one: cishet straight guy. Identity two: trans guy. You have to pick and choose who you reveal your trans status to, and that means coming out time and again to people you trust.
Usually, in most cities in the US, lgbt people are united and safe. Use your best judgement and stay safe out there.
With love from a passing trans woman in a big city.
As someone not in those circles that just stumbled upon this post in all:
You look ‘different’ obviously, as you yourself know. That’s going to get some reactions from some people - you can’t really help that. That’s fine, be yourself.
Other than that, don’t make your whole identity that you are who you are. What I mean by that is - don’t base your daily actions, what you do, what you always talk about, the friends you make solely on the fact that you are a transman. Just be a normal, decent human being - and I think you’ll find a lot more ‘general acceptance’.
Then again, just my 2 cents as an outsider, this is just my opinion and as I’ve obviously never had to go through this myself I have no idea if this works or not.
It’s a bit delayed to be responding to this comment, but I wanted to in case op is still hanging around this thread.
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He doesn’t necessarily need to be worried about ‘looking different’. A lot of trans people, and trans men in particular, completely pass. Testosterone is strong as hell. People just always stick with their ‘we can always tell’ talking points, because when they see passing trans people, they don’t assume they’re trans.
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The phrasing behind your second point is kind just of a rehash of a common anti lgbtq sentiment. The problem is, at least anecdotally for myself, that the people who would harass you consider that to be anything showing you’re in some form queer or showing any pride in who you are. It’s essentially a demand that people entirely hide part of them if they want to to be treated with respect.
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